Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Come share oat with me in your robe
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
