My liver just broke up with me...
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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