Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Randomize
