There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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