Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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