my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
