my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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