If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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