Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
