so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
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I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
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This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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