They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
