The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
