She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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