I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
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i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
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Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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