i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize