I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
