If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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