3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
