Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
