just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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