well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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