Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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