A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I AM VODKA MAN
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
