Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
