It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
