Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
