After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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