I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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