the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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