the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
third nipple confirmed
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
