remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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