alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I have already put on my inside pants.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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