Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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