I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
