Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
