god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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