i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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