i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
