if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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