I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
