Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
