i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
