thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
