she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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