fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
