New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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