I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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