There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
