I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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