if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
