my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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