Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
