I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
