I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
